Positive Discipline for All Ages

The word "discipline" often comes with a negative connotation. In reality, discipline is simply a teaching tool to model and praise good behavior. When done properly, discipline teaches our children self-control and helps them to start setting their own limits and develop their own morals and inhibitions. Discipline should not be a tool to enforce power or make a child feel inferior. The number one thing to remember about discipline is to stay POSITIVE! Don’t just punish bad behaviors; model and praise good behaviors and teach the proper or alternative behavior to a misbehavior.

Children of different ages respond to discipline techniques differently. Therefore, it is important to mold your discipline style to fit your child's age. You can’t tell a newborn to “stop crying because it hurts my ears” because obviously the child cannot understand the language. The following is a simple list of discipline tips and techniques that can be used at varying ages. Keep in mind that all children are different, have different temperaments, and grow and mature in different ways. What works for one child may not work for the next. Patience, practice, and perseverance are key to developing more positive discipline tactics.

Birth – 18 months
-Infants cannot obey or disobey their parents/caregivers.
-No discipline is needed at this age, instead, focus on developing a warm relationship with the child.
-Praise the baby with hugs, smiles, attention, and time
-Ignore minor misbehaviors that are not issues of safety.
-Prevent many problems from occurring by baby-proofing the home.
-Always model and teach behaviors that you feel are appropriate.

18 months – 2 years
-Toddlers still don’t easily obey commands.
-If child is doing something you wish to stop, try distraction techniques.
-Get the child’s attention by doing things the child likes and will engage in sharing behaviors.
-Using reasoning and talking to a toddler usually doesn’t work.
-Rearrange your environment (remove objects that could cause problems) to avoid problems.

2-4 years
-Children of this age start to develop strong routines and natural tendencies – work with these tendencies if possible.
-Avoid giving complex choices.
-Do not expect children of this age to wait for things or easily share with others.
-Praise good behaviors and continue modeling acceptable behavior.
-Use distraction techniques to change the subject or get them interested in something else.
-Use a child’s natural tendencies – for example, if a child loves to climb, but is always getting in trouble for climbing on the furniture, take him/her to the park and let him/her climb all he/she wants with your supervision.
-Make sure the limits and boundaries you set are reasonable for the age and maturity of the child.

4-6 years
-Continue praise and compliments for good behaviors.
-Whispering is sometimes an effective tool.
-Keep few rules, but be rigid when enforcing them. Make sure your rules have meaning and specific consequences, and make sure your children are aware of them.
-Many “bad” behaviors are simply immaturities. Be patient and remember your child is still maturing and learning.
-Avoid punishment (spanking, yelling, etc.) if at all possible. If you feel it is necessary, do so calmly and after you have cooled down - NEVER punish out of anger!

6-11 years
-Prevent problems before they happen to avoid having to punish.
-Continue praise and compliments for good behavior.
-Allow children of this age the freedom to make simple choices and feel independent.
-Allow children to fail (as long as failing isn’t an issue of safety or extreme danger), but support them through it.
-Show your child the natural and logical consequences of their actions – for example – “If you go outside in the snow with no gloves on, your hands will get cold” is a natural consequence. “We do not eat dinner without washing our hands, so you won’t be able to eat with us until your hands are washed” is a logical consequence. Make sure your rules have consequences that make sense.
-If a child is expected to do chores, tell him/her about them in advance, then remind the child before he/she forgets.
-Save using direct commands for important things.
-Motivate the child with time, attention, and approval.
-Allow for some independence, but make sure your expectations are not beyond your child’s maturity level.

Teenage years
-Pay attention to your body language and tone when talking with your teen. Keep your tone friendly and not demeaning. Try to talk with your teen, not at your teen.
-Allow your teen to fail and use those times to teach valuable lessons and discuss what went wrong. Do not place blame for failure, but use it as a discussion topic.
-Make your teen feel included by allowing them to have a reasonable say in curfews, rules, decisions, and guidelines. Make discussions about rules be a conversation and listen to your teen’s point of view.
-Rules should be logical, explained, and make sense to your teen.
-Listen to your teen and validate their ideas, even if you don’t agree with them.
-Go easy on initial offenses. Use these times to explain why they were wrong, and discuss ways to improve in the future.

Stay tuned for more discipline and behavior-management tips in later blog posts!

Be sure to check out this resource from The University of Maine Cooperative Extension relating to discipline through different ages.
http://www.umext.maine.edu/onlinepubs/htmpubs/4140.htm